It’s so funny (ok - kinda sad) how many people shrug and shake their heads when I ask about their Thanksgiving / Holiday plans. Typically followed by a statement like “Family - ug - it’s so complicated.” (I promise - I am not calling out anyone specifically - it’s just such a common response - that I’ve heard it multiple times in the last few weeks.)
Most of us have developed coping mechanisms during these moments of stress. Some are good, some are bad. And all of them have been developed for the sole purpose of keeping us safe.
So first and foremost I want to say - Great Job! You’ve developed these strategies in response to feeling like crap. And to keep you safe. Again - Great Job!i
So here is a suggestion for this year’s Thanksgiving/holiday festivities. Try switching things up a bit. Be curious about what strategies (both good and bad) you have set in place. And see if you can shake things up - for the better.
Following are some tips to get your juices flowing on moving away from strategies that may not serve you - to strategies that do serve you! During this year’s get-togethers consider these options:
#1 - Take breaks: go outside and take a walk🚶 before you sit down to dinner. Or even upon arrival - say hi then take a quick walk. Or at some point in the day maybe offer to take the family pet on a walk 🐶. Or even during dinner - politely excuse yourself and take a moment for you!
#2 - Notice when things get heated: begin to notice when voices get louder or start to have an edge. When you see/hear this happen - say to yourself “this is it - it’s happening right now”. And then distract yourself for a minute. Look around and see how many things you can identify that are red. Or count the number of flowers 🌸 you see. Or try to identify the smells in the room. These distractions calm your nervous system and can take you from an agitated state to a more calm mindset. After a moment or so, re-engage in the conversation. If you get a little agitated again - try another distraction.
#3 - Here’s a potentially hard one - but it can work: You know that person who ALWAYS pisses you off? They are either condescending, or rude, or arrogant, or judgmental, or just dogmatic (and the beat goes on...)? When you interact with this person, and they begin to say those wonderful words, try this: repeat in your mind, “may you (name) feel safe, may you (name) feel happy, may you feel safe, may you feel happy.” This does 2 things: 1) it reinforces the part of your brain that feels compassion. Compassionate thoughts tend to make us happier - at least that’s what the studies are suggesting (google it), 2) repeating something positive in your mind creates space between what is being said to you, and how you react to it. Instead of immediately reacting, you are giving yourself time to think of a thoughtful response. Or maybe you realize no response is needed at all. Bam! 💥
#4 - Here’s the most difficult - but extremely beneficial suggestion: when you lose your cool or say something aggressive / mean, or when you let someone take you down the rabbit hole, forgive yourself. Acknowledge that you have reacted this way to protect yourself. And then be curious about how you could respond in the future - without going over the edge. We all make mistakes - it’s life. You are not a bad person. It is what it is. Don’t beat yourself up. Learn from it, and move on. “Great job protecting me. Now how could I respond in the future that would still keep me safe, but not get me agitated.”
These are all just suggestions. Toss the ones you don’t like - and use the ones you resonate with. Or toss them all and use your imagination to come up with some new strategies that would work for you.
And if you have any ideas that may work for others - share the love below! We could all use new holiday madness strategies!
